wp5129e9e2.png

© 2009 -2010 KevinHolt.net

All Rights Reserved

wp4aa87f20.png
Links
wpdba8ae59.png
Our Sponsor
Home.
My Books.
About Me.
Gallery.
Cumberland Ex-servicemen.
Links.
Contact Me.
My Blog.

Kevin  Holt was born in Otley West Yorkshire in the early sixties, served an apprenticeship at “Crompton Parkinson Motors” (now wiped off the face of the earth), in nearby Guiseley and by his early twenties ran away to join Pontin´s Holiday Camp in Torquay. Following stints as an entertainments representative for a Swedish travel company in Gran Canaria, Mallorca and Crete he was finally lured back to England to perform his half arsed act on the Northern Working Men´s Club circuit. This was a mistake, and he died so many times that a small church service was held in his honour at the end of every performance whereby his father was forced to formally identify his act and his ashes were sprinkled on the Concert Secretary´s allotment.

 

By the mid nineties he emigrated to Blackpool, where the performer in him was rekindled at “Miss Patricia´s Music Hall Tavern”, where he was coaxed from behind the bar to perform in sing-along’s and shows alongside his great mentor Frankie Whittle. Eventually though, suffering financial constraints, malnutrition and hypothermia he made his way to Benidorm, residing in a hostel which was a sort of retirement home for elderly Scandinavian accordion playing loons and eccentric drunks. He quite liked it.

 

Now in his tenth year he earns a living, - by day, aping the actions of a grizzled old Concert Chairman from those clubs of the past in a kind of “Wheeltappers & Shunters Social Club” remake (look it up), and by night performing his grotesque impersonations to bamboozled pensioners.

 

As a wet behind the ears fledgling writer he has so far penned “Are You affiliated”, a nostalgic look at his upbringing at his local club, including thoughts on junior membership, modest achievements for the snooker team, the annual “Christmas Jumper Competition”  and mass hysteria at Annual General Meetings.

 

“The Best Of The Cumberland Claptrap” is a collection of articles written for a spoof club journal mainly seen through the eyes of the “Chairman” character and includes such notable events as the destruction caused by a gibbon in the tap room, a late “Bungle” header rifled past “Noggin the Nog” in victory for the “Rainbow” team against a “Watch with Mother Select”  in the 5 aside football tournament for “Comic Relief”, and a war of words between the Chairman and Sammy Davis Junior in 1972 when the “Rat Pack” star refused to go back on after the bingo.

 

“Chasing The Cheese – A Year In The Life Of A Benidorm Class “B” Celebrity” follows the 12 months from the back end of 2007 and wrestling with a naked 92 year old man in a fight to the death (it was his wife´s idea). The outlandish vicar at Roy “ The Slitherman” Jay´s funeral, when commenting on Roy´s well known weakness for the drink – “He sang from the heart and it was magnificent, - if he´d have sung from the liver it would have been shite!”. Quirky festivals such as “Hare pie scrambling & bottle kicking”, “Cheese Rolling”, the “Nettle eating world championships” (where he turned up a week early by mistake) and pelting round the streets of London dressed as an ape in the “Great Gorilla Race”